Thursday, December 29, 2011

Hi everyone,
Hope y'all had a good Christmas and Santa or whoever hooks it up for the holidays got you everything you little hearts desire! My apologies for slacking on my bloggery duties. I have been so freakin exhausted and doing a million things at once it seems like.

I'm planning my long awaited and anticipated trip to Mother Maine. I'm trying to squeeze everyone in as much as I can. I wish there could be more hours in the day! I'm very excited to see my son's godfather Vano who I haven't seen in over a year (way too long), one of my best friends Hannah, my son's godmother/and bestest friend of almost 13 years (fuckin nuts, saying/writing that still gets to me ha), her fam and last but not least my beautiful older sister and nephew. I know there's other wonderful people I'll be seeing as well but if I don't I will most certainly see them the next time!

So yesterday after playing hookie from school on Monday Mr. Gavann came back and he's been teaching us makeup application which has been sooo much fun! So yesterday I asked him what kind of look I can do for the pictures I plan on taking in February. I think every girl should get maternity pics done. Idk about some people but I feel beautiful being this way especially knowing there's life inside of me. That makes it even more awesome. Mr. G also did my adorable friend Courtney. She's so cute and what makes her even cuter is that she thinks everyone else is so cute!!! I love her. She seriously makes me laugh every single day.

In other news, it's freezing here. I guess I don't have much room to complain considering that it IS almost January and there has been no sign of snow. I suppose I can manage haha! Weird winter smh...

I've also made an executive decision to not have a homebirth because of financial reasons (3500 buckaroonies is a lot of cash, cash that I could use for other things like a mamaroo!!!). I have a bad habit of stressing about things and the homebirth was definitely something I was constantly stressing over which completely defeats the whole purpose. As much as I don't really want to go to a hospital I have found a few in my area that do respect my right to go natural as well as having different tools to achieve that goal. Newton Wellsley is one of them. I'm really looking at that one.

The problem is...I've switched doctors twice already! Tomorrow I will be grilling my doctor about midwives because that's something I won't give up! But I want a good one. Not a shitty one like the idiot at Boston Medical Ctr. I also am going to write out a VERY detailed birthing plan so these mofos know that I mean freakin business and that I want to have as much freedom as possible when it comes to the birthing process/experience. I have high hopes for it and am still excited. I can still have a water birth and do most of the things I want to do. What it really boils down to is that I just want my kid to be born healthy and spry (hahah I love that word). I think that's reasonable, don't you think?

And in conclusionnnn, I have FINALLY completed my "very hungry caterpillar" cocoon for BamBam and I am very pleased with it. I can't wait to put him in it and see his little face peeking out of it! Maybe we'll even get pics of him in. Either that or those adorable little elf hats (which I definitely will be making myself that's for sure) I see in pictures. I think it all depends on what he looks like (I mainly base all of my decisions on that...his name, his first pictures, his "color" for clothes...everyone has a power color hehe)

Ok lovers, until next time Ciao Ciao!

(Ps I made that scarf in those pictures. I've decided I'm going to give them all names depending on what comes to mind when I see them. So for example, that particular scarf is called the "barbie scarf" Remember that shade of pink back in the 90's when Mattel ruled the world!?)

Saturday, December 24, 2011

::sings Charlie Brown:: Christmas Time is herrrre (almost)

Wow! It's crazy how fast time has flew by! Sorry for not writing for the past few days. On Wednesday I had some cheap chinese food (mah fave) and definitely got food poisoning. So the next day I went to the hospital just as a precaution since I do have a little bun in the oven. They confirmed my suspicions and I was hooked up to IV fluids for the better part of a day! Let me just say that although I highly dislike hospitals I would like to give a special shoutout to St. Elizabeth's hospital in Brighton. They're fast, efficient and sosososo nice! I was hooked up to a monitor to make sure BamBam was ok. I was actually thrilled to hear him prancing around and being wreckless because that confirmed to me that cheap chinese food can't hold him down! My sweet boy. Gosh, I am sososo anxious to meet him. I can't wait to see what he looks like, how he acts and everything in between. I hope he'll like his "Eric Carle" room haha!

So Christmas is tomorrow. I haven't bought anything not like last year. This is my year of transition so I've basically found other ways to give back to the ones I love. For my dad, well, he's getting a grandson who will call him "peepaw" and who will replace (yes, I said it) my 14 yr old brother who has decided that he'd rather chill with these young trickedy tricks than be with family (don't even get me started...aries/libra brawl last week nooooo bueno). Now my dad will have full access to a little boy who will appreciate the awesomeness that is Fred O. Brown (I'm obsessed with my dad and I am not ashamed). For Wendy I'm going to utilize the skill that I learned this week which is: facial massages! I got all these awesome creams and stuff so I think she'll be excited! Last week, i dyed my baby sister's hair and did it for her and just spent all my time with her. It meant the world to me to see her smile and be so appreciative. An angel, really. Last but not least, my little baby lover Shauna (my evil twin...she makes me so mad but I think it's most likely because she's exactly like meeee ahhhhhhhh). Yesterday I found her a celtics robe! Jealous they didn't have my size but all she's been asking for for xmas is Boston sports stuff (that's mah girl! She's gonna be a great Tia) and I can already see the glee on her face once she gets her presents (hint: Jerard Mayo signed a pats jersey for her...she always gets the cool shyt!) I guess another reason why I'm not really caring about presents is because 1. Being with my family this year is way more precious than any gift I could receive (besides having my Bam but, he needs to cook a lil longer hehe). 2. I've been blessed with SO much these past couple of months. I'm STILL in shock and awe, seriously.

Today, I woke up feeling a little bit down. Initially I couldn't place my finger on it but I think it has to do with the fact that I miss Kollin (my BD). I wish we could be closer for the holidays. I definitely miss the mornings of waking up next to him (sometimes with his glasses still on his face) and him wrapping himself around me since I'm always cold and he's always hot (I feel like some white people have different internal temperature gauges because this guy can go out with shorts and tee in 40 degree weather like it's the summer and if I turn on the heat he acts like we're chillin in Hell). My ultimate christmas wish is just for us to find our middle ground, to grow continuously and be the absolute best parents for this amazing gift we've been given.

I really believe that our son is my personal lifesaver. He's not even here yet but he's given me so much already! So my anticipation for him is literally bursting through the seams. 2011 in the navy for me was AWFUL! I was in such a low, dark and lonely place. I wasn't sure when or if or HOW id ever get out of it. From that I learned who my real friends were even if at the time I didn't wanna hear their positive affirmations or their words of concern. Three people who I definitely wanna shoutout are: my braintwin Yasmeen (my baby's Pappy), the adorable Paige aka Cloudy and my beautiful brother Anthony who were really really there for me even when I wasn't even there for myself (there were others who I appreciate just as much, believe me, but I spent A LOT of my time with these three). These three people made me really appreciate how blessed I am to have such thoughtful, caring and loving friends! I WISH that I could share my friends with everyone, seriously, that's how amazing I think they are.

I just wanna talk about Anthony for a moment. This guy literally EXUDES positivity and greatness so therefore if he's having a bad day you feel it and you automatically wanna make him happy again just to see his beautiful smile (and so that you can smile again literally PAINS me to see him sad). He's not my REAL brother but he may as well be. I wish so badly that I could see him again and get a hug from him. He's really buff which makes his sweetness and charm THAT much more awesome (cuz he definitely has the strength to hulk smash ya!) I miss talking with Anthony face to face, singing and dancing with him too! Sometimes when I think about how long I've been away from him I get really sad but I gotta remember that everything happens for a reason and that I am out here now so that I can give Anthony the strength to continue doing what he's doing out at sea (he's on deployment right now...he was pretty bummed that I wasn't going to go but I have a bigger purpose and as the days go by that is getting clearer and clearer to me). When Anthony gets back he's going to be uber planning for a wedding to this BEAUTIFUL woman who I am so very anxious to meet named Melinda. Just seeing Ant's smile in their picture does my heart good because I know he has found his true happiness with her and that is all that I want for him. He deserves every good thing because that is all he has shown me and all he tries to show anyone else that crosses his path. He's the perfect man who deserves it all. Idc what anyone says! Haha! My son will be sososooso lucky to have him in his life.

Since we're talkin about awesome people I also just wanna talk about Yas. My "braintwin", my baby's Pappy, my muthafuckin rock of Gibraltar. She's tiny, yellow and from Killeen, TX. I remember when I first met her. I thought she was a few screws loose, not gonna lie. But as time went on we realized how identical we were to the point where it was scary. We definitely both have the same tattoos (i.e. a peacock on our right shoulder, musical notes on our waist). What are the odds of that considering we had never met before? We can finish each other's sentences, have full conversations without sayin one word. We met each other for reasons neither one of us can explain but the purpose is grand, that is a fact. I owe my life to that girl and I would lay down my life for her if that time were to ever come. You may wonder , "girl, why do you call her your baby's Pappy, don't you already have a babydaddy!?" Why, yes, yes I do have Kollin but there was a time when I wasn't 100% sure if I was supposed to be a mom right now. I had just gotten out of the Navy, Kollin had left, we had been at eachother's throats up until his departure, I had no job, no fuckin CLUE what direction I was going in in my life. I didn't think I was even pregnant! But that magical moment when I saw those two lines changed my life. Kollin wasn't on board with the thought of us bringing this child into the world (listen to Lost Ones by J. Cole...pretty much sums that up...I cried when I heard that song cuz it hit so close) but, a few years ago when I was 18 I had an abortion. Although I don't necessarily regret my decision I knew that I would NEVER do that again unless I had a valid reason and I definitely wasn't going to do it if it wasn't a decision that I made 100% on my own.
Many women deal with that type of loss differently. I personally, compartmentalized for a bit until one day while sitting in therapy I realized what I was doing and realized it was unhealthy and I needed to face it head on. It was difficult to say the least but it was most certainly a learning experience. Something I will never ever forget. I think about that baby sometimes especially now that Bam is growing inside of me and I hope that I will do it and him justice as a mother. I know my choice was right and I know that he's in a much better place than what I could've given at the time.
The first few weeks of this pregnancy I struggled. I battled my most inner demons and the one person that never left me to fight alone was my BT. I remember sitting in my car with her, me in the passenger seat and her with with the seat pushed alllll the way forward (since she's so little) and I just sobbed. My whole body was trembling with fear, frustration, confusion, you name it! SHE was the one that gave me the strength to open my eyes and realize no matter what the circumstances are that the life growing inside me was SUPPOSED to be there. And that if Kollin didn't want to be apart of this journey that she would gladly take on the responsibility of fatherhood as best she could. She continues to do so despite Kollin fully coming around and I will continue to let her share that responsibility with him because she has earned it. One day I will tell my son about his Pappy and how she saved his beautiful life because she saw things that I didn't see.
Hopefully one day her and Kollin will become friends (ongoing saga which still gives me heartache but gotta stay hopeful) and see how similar they are, how they can learn from one another and how they're equally important to the livelihood and happiness of our BamBam. My kid is gonna have a hugggge family. People already get confused with mine so, watch out world cuz I feel like once he's born I will have NOTHIN on him! Hella aunts and uncles, cousins etc. But, big families are the best families hehe :-)
Ok, so hopefully your thirst for my life's insights have been quenched. Pass the word on about my blog and don't forget to save your change to donate to "project homebirth", everyone! Every little bit helps! Merry ChristmaHanuKwanzakuh to you all, Ciao Ciao!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Baby bedding theme!

So whilst perusing the internets this morning I googled "very hungry caterpillar bedding" and found this !!!!!
I am SO excited. I have been brainstorming themes for my son's room and nothing seemed to really quite fit the bill UNTIL NOW! Hopefully, I can get this (minus the bumper since I hear those are no no's these days) because it's so beautiful and I am alllll about colors/Eric Carle!

Monday, December 19, 2011

Monday Monday Mondaaaaaay

Happy Monday, everyone!
I have to post from my phone during the week! Luckily, there's a convenient blogger app so now I don't have to struggle trying to get on the website through my phone!
So, I first just want to point out that I take public transportation every day. Some people are like "omg how can you do that!?" while others are like "heck yes, best way to go" Anyway, I've been riding the mbta since I was a wee lass and my allegiance to it is neverending. But, since I've returned to my beautiful I've noticed some things. One in particular that id like to share with you folks. The T (specifically the Red line) comes probably about every 3ish minutes. So why is it that even when people SEE that it's packed to capacity they still try to squeeze in as if there won't be another train coming right behind it? I've seen people literally have the doors CLOSE on their persons and they still refuse to just take their dumb ass off the train. Friggin hilarity.
Anyway, I just figured i'd share my observation about that. Now, on to the meat of this post!
Have you ever had the overwhelming feeling that something BIG was going to happen in the near future but, you don't know what it is specifically but it's such a strong feeling that you can't help but feel excited!? Well, that's how I feel about 2012. You may be reading this like, "wtf is this bia talkin about!? Duh something big is gonna happen, you're having a BABY!!!!" But no, that's not what I mean. Obviously I know that having a baby is going to be HUGE but something else is going to happen. All my life I've had premonitions about various things and idk if it's the latino in me or if it's my grandmother's not-so-secret Santeria dabbling but usually I'm pretty dead on with this stuff. I had that feeling about a month before I got out of the Navy and now look at me! The day I got out was the day I learned how to smile again. It was the day I learned how to be happy (sometimes for no apparent reason at all). It was and continues to be the best feeling in the world! The military is definitely not for everyone and I knew it wasn't for me the day I got off that bus December 17th, 2008. But now, I'm back home, I'm having a son, going to school and I actually get to be with my family for christmas for the first time in 3 effin years!
Today I was talking to mi hermano (for all you non spanish speakers it means "brother") Jovy Yayo about my suspicions regarding 2012. He also just recently got out of the Navy too. Now, I am a firm believer in the phrase, "everything happens for a reason" and I truly believe that there is a HUGE reason why both of us are now happily living the civilian life and there is something gargantuan in store for us. Now maybe I've been watching too much of Queen Oprah's "Life Class" or maybe I've been just soaking up the mantra of my teacher Mr. Gavan a little bit too much but I think that if you believe in positive things then positive things will happen (not without effort on your part of course. Some people forget that!) So by this time next year I hope to writing in this blog to my thousands of followers letting them know that, "if you believe it, you can achieve it!" (corny, I know. But, you won't be saying that once good things start happening once you change your mindset)
In other news, while walking home from school today I decided to stop in the MAC portion of Macy's to try out some lipstick. In the past I've attempted to pick a shade that would compliment my skintone. Needless to say, I failed miserably, gave up and simply stick to my beloved Rose Salve from Bath & Body. So today, one of the MAC associates quickly picked one out for me. He said pink would look good and I was very skeptical of course but, let him "do me up". I got a lot of compliments on it. Man, I sometimes wish (wait let me stop lying, ALL THE TIME) that I could see myself through other people's eyes. I felt super self concious with it on! But I got used to it after awhile. Maybe I'll go back and get it one day.
And, in conclusion (gosh, I didn't think id have this much to say) today I was given a present for my baby boy! Guess what it was!? A "very hungry caterpillar" stuffed animal! I'm super excited about it because I totally made a baby cocoon (somewhat like a baby swaddle) and I chose this beautiful green yarn to represent the caterpillar. It came out really well! Haven't taken pics of it but I will when I finish the hood of it. I just thought it was such a cool coincidence that I got a VHC stuffed animal to match it! Below is my very first completed cocoon (YES, the model is my baby sister's American Girl Doll). Very proud of it considering that it was my first time!
Anywho, hope everyone had a good day and I am always taking donations for my journey of homebirth (my wonderful best friend Elizabeth actually shouted me out in her blog yesterday. It made me feel so special haha)
Until next time, Ciaoooo!

Sunday, December 18, 2011


Ok, so before I even knew I was having a baby I told myself after watching MILLIONS of baby shows on Discovery Health that I wanted to have a water birth. After I got pregnant I really got into seeing what options were out there for me as far as the birthing process goes. I knew I wanted a water birth but what more specifically did I want? Well, I did NOT want to give birth at a hospital. One reason being is that they really give me anxiety. Also, I was 100% present when my little sister died of meningitis in the hospital. Just the smell takes me back to being 10 years old again and wondering if I'd ever see her grow up. I also, was in the hospital twice during my first trimester for dehydration and I just remember feeling the need to crawl out of my own skin. I could not get comfortable and it was just "ugh". That's really the only way I could describe it! So, I went on a hunt for a midwife (at this point I was still in Washington state since that's where I was stationed when I was in the Navy). I found a wonderful woman by the name of Niki Corragio. She was so cute and great. I was pretty bummed when I found out that I had to do ANOTHER midwife hunt because I moved back to Boston. It took a little while but I found an amazing woman named Rebecca. I knew from the second I met her that she would be my midwife! But, the difference between the laws of WA and the laws of MA when it comes to midwifery is that insurance does not cover midwifery services here as opposed to WA where they do cover it. Anyway, I still decided that I wanted her to be my midwife no matter what.

Another thing that REALLY confirmed my wanting of a homebirth was watching the movie "The Business of Being Born" (ch-ch-ch-check it out if you haven't already!) Now, I had heard of this movie and had it on my mental "I'm gonna watch that movie someday" list but had never gotten around to it. Then the day came when Netflix had it on thier instant queue. So my stepmom, Wendy and I sat down and watched it. It was really great and raw. Ricki Lake (who's the producer, I think) has her second son at home and it is so intense and she wanted to give up so many times but she stuck through it. There was a midwife who also did a homebirth which was equally as intense. I liked the fact that you saw these women doing this because they made it clear that it's not super easy but it IS rewarding and also that they're human.  A lot of the information I had found out awhile ago but some information I was not aware of. For example, the amount of money it takes to give birth in a hospital (15k-20k) as opposed to the cost of a homebirth (around 5500). What it boils down to is who's going to be making money at the end of the day. No one really cares about how things are done as long as there's money in thier pocket at the end of the day.

So, after watching that I was like, "Ok, well, if I can help it I will NOT be going to the hospital unless this kid REALLY needs me to go." So, I began to brainstorm how I would raise the money considering that I am not working and go to school full time.

So I decided that I would start a fund.

First, it was just gonna involve the people who would be attending my baby showers (YES, I said baby showerS...I'm having one in both MA and ME) or people who couldn't make it but still wanted to help out. I don't really need any big ticket items since I have most of them already so instead of getting presents why not accept donations towards something that I need, right? So my goal is to reach 5000 dollars by the time BamBam comes into the world so I can pay my wonderful midwife (she's been so great and flexible throughout this whole thing. I truly can't imagine giving birth to my son without her being present).  Any little bit helps and is immensely appreciated! I just want to be able to make my own rules and have as much control as I can during the birthing process and I just think homebirthing is really the right thing for me. If by chance I do not get to have my homebirth I will just put the money into a college fund (or just gamble it away at Mohegan Sun jkjk!!!) So anyone that's reading this pass the word! Even if it's a dollar, who cares!?

Let me just say that I get a range of reactions about my choice of trying to do a homebirth. The most common one is, "Why would you wanna do that? Aren't you scared?!" Hmm, actually I'm STOKED to give birth and go through what millions of women go through every single day.  It's MY body and MY birth. If I'm gonna carry this rascal in my belly for 9 months then I am going to birth him the way that I want to(unless of course he decides to be difficult and I have to involve the hospital)! Don't let ANYONE stop you from following your dreams and achieving your goals ( I know that shyt sounds corny but I truly believe it wholeheartedly. I also watch Oprah's Life Class like it's my job and I swear she knows what I'm thinking EVERYTIME I watch it) even if they don't agree with it. All that matters is that YOU'RE happy because you may have the ability to give someone the fire to go for thier goals. Just like negativity is contagious, positivity works the same way!

he's obviously a Yogi already. Look how his toes touch his forehead! Crazy baby! As for the second one, I think he's yawning. When I went for my second ultrasound he didn't move. He just sat in the above position and then as if he was saying "Fuck you, I'm comfortable where I'm at." He just sat there and yawned at us. Of course any other time he's prancing on my bladder, jumping around, running away from the doppler whenever my doctor wants to hear his heartbeat. In other words, I'm stoked to meet this kid especially since 1. He hasn't gotten my fat. 2. He craves healthy things, like fruits and such 3. He's going to be an Aries 4. And he's a jerk like his mom and dad :-)

Well, folks until next time :-) Ciao

Ello ello!

Man, I haven't written a blog since freakin livejournal/myspace days! But, I figure, SHYT why the hell not! I'm just as interesting as all these other hardcore bloggers and I could have my OWN following. And even if I don't I would still enjoy writing down my daily adventures. But, I'm not just going to focus on preparing for motherhood because there's more to my life than just that! There's school (which I absolutely love), my awesome friends, my family, my observations of various things, etc. But, all of that will be umbrella'd under the big picture which is... Someone's gonna call me mom! So, with that said I hope whoever reads this enjoys it and maybe I can brighten someone's day :-)

This morning instead of sleeping in since it IS Sunday I decided to get up and make breakfast for my whole family which consisted of my two little sisters, my wily grandmother, my dad and my stepmom. One of my best friends Elizabeth (a fellow foodie) posted a wall post to one of my other best friend's pages about these amazing creations called a Breakfast Cupcake (! So I decided to try my culinary hand at it. And I think they came out pretty good. In the first batch (which will be shown) I definitely put too much egg so they kind of exploded but the second batch definitely came out more normal. Either way, my family really liked it which makes me happy.