Saturday, December 24, 2011

::sings Charlie Brown:: Christmas Time is herrrre (almost)

Wow! It's crazy how fast time has flew by! Sorry for not writing for the past few days. On Wednesday I had some cheap chinese food (mah fave) and definitely got food poisoning. So the next day I went to the hospital just as a precaution since I do have a little bun in the oven. They confirmed my suspicions and I was hooked up to IV fluids for the better part of a day! Let me just say that although I highly dislike hospitals I would like to give a special shoutout to St. Elizabeth's hospital in Brighton. They're fast, efficient and sosososo nice! I was hooked up to a monitor to make sure BamBam was ok. I was actually thrilled to hear him prancing around and being wreckless because that confirmed to me that cheap chinese food can't hold him down! My sweet boy. Gosh, I am sososo anxious to meet him. I can't wait to see what he looks like, how he acts and everything in between. I hope he'll like his "Eric Carle" room haha!

So Christmas is tomorrow. I haven't bought anything not like last year. This is my year of transition so I've basically found other ways to give back to the ones I love. For my dad, well, he's getting a grandson who will call him "peepaw" and who will replace (yes, I said it) my 14 yr old brother who has decided that he'd rather chill with these young trickedy tricks than be with family (don't even get me started...aries/libra brawl last week nooooo bueno). Now my dad will have full access to a little boy who will appreciate the awesomeness that is Fred O. Brown (I'm obsessed with my dad and I am not ashamed). For Wendy I'm going to utilize the skill that I learned this week which is: facial massages! I got all these awesome creams and stuff so I think she'll be excited! Last week, i dyed my baby sister's hair and did it for her and just spent all my time with her. It meant the world to me to see her smile and be so appreciative. An angel, really. Last but not least, my little baby lover Shauna (my evil twin...she makes me so mad but I think it's most likely because she's exactly like meeee ahhhhhhhh). Yesterday I found her a celtics robe! Jealous they didn't have my size but all she's been asking for for xmas is Boston sports stuff (that's mah girl! She's gonna be a great Tia) and I can already see the glee on her face once she gets her presents (hint: Jerard Mayo signed a pats jersey for her...she always gets the cool shyt!) I guess another reason why I'm not really caring about presents is because 1. Being with my family this year is way more precious than any gift I could receive (besides having my Bam but, he needs to cook a lil longer hehe). 2. I've been blessed with SO much these past couple of months. I'm STILL in shock and awe, seriously.

Today, I woke up feeling a little bit down. Initially I couldn't place my finger on it but I think it has to do with the fact that I miss Kollin (my BD). I wish we could be closer for the holidays. I definitely miss the mornings of waking up next to him (sometimes with his glasses still on his face) and him wrapping himself around me since I'm always cold and he's always hot (I feel like some white people have different internal temperature gauges because this guy can go out with shorts and tee in 40 degree weather like it's the summer and if I turn on the heat he acts like we're chillin in Hell). My ultimate christmas wish is just for us to find our middle ground, to grow continuously and be the absolute best parents for this amazing gift we've been given.

I really believe that our son is my personal lifesaver. He's not even here yet but he's given me so much already! So my anticipation for him is literally bursting through the seams. 2011 in the navy for me was AWFUL! I was in such a low, dark and lonely place. I wasn't sure when or if or HOW id ever get out of it. From that I learned who my real friends were even if at the time I didn't wanna hear their positive affirmations or their words of concern. Three people who I definitely wanna shoutout are: my braintwin Yasmeen (my baby's Pappy), the adorable Paige aka Cloudy and my beautiful brother Anthony who were really really there for me even when I wasn't even there for myself (there were others who I appreciate just as much, believe me, but I spent A LOT of my time with these three). These three people made me really appreciate how blessed I am to have such thoughtful, caring and loving friends! I WISH that I could share my friends with everyone, seriously, that's how amazing I think they are.

I just wanna talk about Anthony for a moment. This guy literally EXUDES positivity and greatness so therefore if he's having a bad day you feel it and you automatically wanna make him happy again just to see his beautiful smile (and so that you can smile again literally PAINS me to see him sad). He's not my REAL brother but he may as well be. I wish so badly that I could see him again and get a hug from him. He's really buff which makes his sweetness and charm THAT much more awesome (cuz he definitely has the strength to hulk smash ya!) I miss talking with Anthony face to face, singing and dancing with him too! Sometimes when I think about how long I've been away from him I get really sad but I gotta remember that everything happens for a reason and that I am out here now so that I can give Anthony the strength to continue doing what he's doing out at sea (he's on deployment right now...he was pretty bummed that I wasn't going to go but I have a bigger purpose and as the days go by that is getting clearer and clearer to me). When Anthony gets back he's going to be uber planning for a wedding to this BEAUTIFUL woman who I am so very anxious to meet named Melinda. Just seeing Ant's smile in their picture does my heart good because I know he has found his true happiness with her and that is all that I want for him. He deserves every good thing because that is all he has shown me and all he tries to show anyone else that crosses his path. He's the perfect man who deserves it all. Idc what anyone says! Haha! My son will be sososooso lucky to have him in his life.

Since we're talkin about awesome people I also just wanna talk about Yas. My "braintwin", my baby's Pappy, my muthafuckin rock of Gibraltar. She's tiny, yellow and from Killeen, TX. I remember when I first met her. I thought she was a few screws loose, not gonna lie. But as time went on we realized how identical we were to the point where it was scary. We definitely both have the same tattoos (i.e. a peacock on our right shoulder, musical notes on our waist). What are the odds of that considering we had never met before? We can finish each other's sentences, have full conversations without sayin one word. We met each other for reasons neither one of us can explain but the purpose is grand, that is a fact. I owe my life to that girl and I would lay down my life for her if that time were to ever come. You may wonder , "girl, why do you call her your baby's Pappy, don't you already have a babydaddy!?" Why, yes, yes I do have Kollin but there was a time when I wasn't 100% sure if I was supposed to be a mom right now. I had just gotten out of the Navy, Kollin had left, we had been at eachother's throats up until his departure, I had no job, no fuckin CLUE what direction I was going in in my life. I didn't think I was even pregnant! But that magical moment when I saw those two lines changed my life. Kollin wasn't on board with the thought of us bringing this child into the world (listen to Lost Ones by J. Cole...pretty much sums that up...I cried when I heard that song cuz it hit so close) but, a few years ago when I was 18 I had an abortion. Although I don't necessarily regret my decision I knew that I would NEVER do that again unless I had a valid reason and I definitely wasn't going to do it if it wasn't a decision that I made 100% on my own.
Many women deal with that type of loss differently. I personally, compartmentalized for a bit until one day while sitting in therapy I realized what I was doing and realized it was unhealthy and I needed to face it head on. It was difficult to say the least but it was most certainly a learning experience. Something I will never ever forget. I think about that baby sometimes especially now that Bam is growing inside of me and I hope that I will do it and him justice as a mother. I know my choice was right and I know that he's in a much better place than what I could've given at the time.
The first few weeks of this pregnancy I struggled. I battled my most inner demons and the one person that never left me to fight alone was my BT. I remember sitting in my car with her, me in the passenger seat and her with with the seat pushed alllll the way forward (since she's so little) and I just sobbed. My whole body was trembling with fear, frustration, confusion, you name it! SHE was the one that gave me the strength to open my eyes and realize no matter what the circumstances are that the life growing inside me was SUPPOSED to be there. And that if Kollin didn't want to be apart of this journey that she would gladly take on the responsibility of fatherhood as best she could. She continues to do so despite Kollin fully coming around and I will continue to let her share that responsibility with him because she has earned it. One day I will tell my son about his Pappy and how she saved his beautiful life because she saw things that I didn't see.
Hopefully one day her and Kollin will become friends (ongoing saga which still gives me heartache but gotta stay hopeful) and see how similar they are, how they can learn from one another and how they're equally important to the livelihood and happiness of our BamBam. My kid is gonna have a hugggge family. People already get confused with mine so, watch out world cuz I feel like once he's born I will have NOTHIN on him! Hella aunts and uncles, cousins etc. But, big families are the best families hehe :-)
Ok, so hopefully your thirst for my life's insights have been quenched. Pass the word on about my blog and don't forget to save your change to donate to "project homebirth", everyone! Every little bit helps! Merry ChristmaHanuKwanzakuh to you all, Ciao Ciao!

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